Category Archives: Really Really Random

Lab Journal

Lab Journal Entry, Feb. 5, 2013:

After successful trials with a dead cat, I decided to proceed with testing my teleportation pods on a live human…me! I’m now thinking there are still a few kinks in the system, though, one being that it won’t transmit bone, as made obvious by the grinning skull I can see through the portal across the lab.

Lab Journal Entry, Jan. 31, 2013:

Sorting medical waste into edible and inedible piles. Called away for a few moments and returned to find Toby, my faithful lab dog, nearly finished eating both stacks. Bad Toby!

Lab Journal Entry, Jan. 29, 2013:

Was bitten by a radioactive earthworm that had escaped from it’s cage this morning. Beginning to feel feverish, wondering what kind of super hero I will become. Whatever super powers I attain I doubt speed will be one of them.

Lab Journal Entry, Jan. 29, 2013:

During one of my more inspired moments I inadvertently ripped the fabric of space/time. After a brief panic, I followed the instructions on how to fix a loose thread on a knit sweater from the Martha Stewart web site. Normality has returned.

Lab Journal Entry, Jan 28, 2013:

I invented the internet today. Not sure what it’s good for, though.

Lab Journal Entry, Jan 28, 2013:

Looking for volunteers to experiment with oxygen deprivation. Last group of test subjects remain unresponsive.

Lab Journal Entry, Jan 27, 2013:

Just finished my 12th cup of espresso. Except for the profuse sweating and shaking, the overhead lights flickering as though I have entered a temporal shift, and the fact that I am certain I can safely glide to the ground from my 4th floor balcony, I feel completely unaltered.

Lab Journal Entry, Jan. 25, 2013:

After trials using all available brands of pasta sauce to be found at the local market, I still can’t get the subjects to eat styrofoam packing noodles. There must be a flaw in my hypothesis.

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Celebrity Burnout

Justin Bieber’s ( pronounced Bybur’s) rapid rise to youthful stardom will probably result in a sad end before his mid-twenties. I think there is enough anecdotal evidence to suggest that most child stars don’t live to endure successful adult lives – they may live, but not successfully. In Justin’s particular case I envision him spiraling into a pit of drugs and alcohol after he realizes his life of celebrity has become passe. By the age of twenty-five I imagine him high on crystal meth, police are called to deal with a public threat. He charges the cops naked, waving his penis with his hand, which being perceived as a weapon, draws eleven bullets from the officers guns. The most surprising element to all will be that he even had a penis.


If I Ruled The World…..

….That guy in the truck that was driving well below the speed limit in the center of a two lane, one way street made me wish I was a law enforcement officer. After the tazing and then testing him for DUII followed by a dousing with pepper spray, I would handcuff him to the rear bumper of my squad car and fake a 911 call that would then dispatch me on a bogus high-speed chase.


Child Rearing Advice

So if your young kids ask why you bury their dead pets and relatives just tell them, “Why, little Timmy/Tammy, I’m planting them in order to grow you a new one.”


Certainly politically incorrect

I’m not sure what stage of life I am in but I frequently wake up with a cow-lick or other hair anomaly that typically afflict those consigned to riding the short bus or living in a group home setting. This too I hope shall pass.


Another random thought…

Named after a Roman goddess and associated with femininity, why does Venus rhyme with penis?


Useless Tool

For Christmas, my wife gave me a stud sensor to help me with handyman activities. The thing is pretty much worthless to me as it goes off whenever I get near it.

 

(the title of this post is self-referential)