Lab Journal

Lab Journal Entry, Feb. 5, 2013:

After successful trials with a dead cat, I decided to proceed with testing my teleportation pods on a live human…me! I’m now thinking there are still a few kinks in the system, though, one being that it won’t transmit bone, as made obvious by the grinning skull I can see through the portal across the lab.

Lab Journal Entry, Jan. 31, 2013:

Sorting medical waste into edible and inedible piles. Called away for a few moments and returned to find Toby, my faithful lab dog, nearly finished eating both stacks. Bad Toby!

Lab Journal Entry, Jan. 29, 2013:

Was bitten by a radioactive earthworm that had escaped from it’s cage this morning. Beginning to feel feverish, wondering what kind of super hero I will become. Whatever super powers I attain I doubt speed will be one of them.

Lab Journal Entry, Jan. 29, 2013:

During one of my more inspired moments I inadvertently ripped the fabric of space/time. After a brief panic, I followed the instructions on how to fix a loose thread on a knit sweater from the Martha Stewart web site. Normality has returned.

Lab Journal Entry, Jan 28, 2013:

I invented the internet today. Not sure what it’s good for, though.

Lab Journal Entry, Jan 28, 2013:

Looking for volunteers to experiment with oxygen deprivation. Last group of test subjects remain unresponsive.

Lab Journal Entry, Jan 27, 2013:

Just finished my 12th cup of espresso. Except for the profuse sweating and shaking, the overhead lights flickering as though I have entered a temporal shift, and the fact that I am certain I can safely glide to the ground from my 4th floor balcony, I feel completely unaltered.

Lab Journal Entry, Jan. 25, 2013:

After trials using all available brands of pasta sauce to be found at the local market, I still can’t get the subjects to eat styrofoam packing noodles. There must be a flaw in my hypothesis.


Top Government Spending Cuts I’d Like To See


I realize the following items may amount to virtually nothing when compared to overall government spending (hell, I don’t even know where to look for such figures) but I would love to see spending cut in the following areas if for nothing but principle.

1: No roads, buildings or other projects can be named after politicians currently in office. Sorry Mr. Senator, but if your legacy cannot stand alone after you are dead and buried than you do not warrant a publicly financed memorial nor the wasted ceremonial dollars that result from your self-aggrandizement. 

2: No oversized props (no doubt publicly funded) provided to politicians to “enhance” their image in the public eye. Examples here would be the oversized “show” bible that President Clinton used to lug around for the media on Sunday mornings, or the herculean-sized gavel that Speaker Nancy Pelosi wielded to counter her penis envy, or the phony halo that President Obama dons before so many of his staged photographic sessions.

3: No private luxury cars and personal drivers paid for by the riff raff. You D.C. politicians in Congress all live in the same town and work in the same building. Why can’t you carpool, damn it? In fact, I’d like to see all of you climb out of a single clown car in the middle of the circus act you call ‘in session’.

4: No more congressional hearings over professional sports ethics. Our leaders were elected to defend the Constitution and represent the electorate regarding national policy, not to manage baseball teams. Besides, the irony of a professional politician addressing the corruption of a professional athlete is lost on no one.

5: The United Nations. I see it like this: If a group of people came into my house, drank all my liquor and sat around bad-mouthing me while complaining about the food,  I would kick their asses out and change the locks.

There are lots more areas to cut from wasteful government spending. These are just a few of my peeves.

Twas The Night Before Christmas – Obama Spoof

Twas the night before Christmas and in the White House
Staffers conferring, same thoughts they espouse
Press releases posted to dot gov with care
In hopes they continue to stoke class warfare

POTUS was nestled all snug in his bed
While visions of tax increases grew in his head
Speech writers cranked out his next staged event
Something he’d read from a screen, faked intent

When out in the halls there arose such a clatter
He covered his head and decided no matter
His top aides and staff received frightening news
But decided it best if he could just snooze

Not being told would excuse his denial
“Yes,” said his staff and they started to smile
Make up a story to cover his tracks
Circle the wagons to fend off attacks

What was the news that had raised such concern?
Had missiles been fired to which we return?
Did Americans die, did Iran have a nuke?
No, just a call from Sandra Fluke.

Without a condom at a Christmas party
She wanted it now, delivered for free
“Damnit,” shouted an aide in shock!
“Haven’t we bought off the birth control bloc?”

The door was flung open, creating fear
There stood Obama, scratching his ear
“What is that noise disturbing my sleep?
It’s three A.M., can’t you call the veep?”

“Might as well work on my inaugural speech.
Politicize, pacify, pander and preach.
Then six rounds of golf or a Daily Brief?
I gets to choose, I’m Commander In Chief.”

“No matter the issue, to me it’s a game.
It’s Bush or the Right that are clearly to blame.
My agenda for term two is clear to me.
Conniving, campaigning for term number three.”

Celebrity Burnout

Justin Bieber’s ( pronounced Bybur’s) rapid rise to youthful stardom will probably result in a sad end before his mid-twenties. I think there is enough anecdotal evidence to suggest that most child stars don’t live to endure successful adult lives – they may live, but not successfully. In Justin’s particular case I envision him spiraling into a pit of drugs and alcohol after he realizes his life of celebrity has become passe. By the age of twenty-five I imagine him high on crystal meth, police are called to deal with a public threat. He charges the cops naked, waving his penis with his hand, which being perceived as a weapon, draws eleven bullets from the officers guns. The most surprising element to all will be that he even had a penis.

Movie Critique

Based on the praise of professional critics I tried watching a movie called ‘Meloncholia’ – a terrible piece of meandering “art film” that left me wanting to dig the arteries out of my wrists and neck with a weeding claw before the first half of the movie was over. No, wait, I think I’ll save the weeding claw for the professional critics. 

I mean, really….the sisters didn’t look a bit like sisters.

If I Ruled The World…..

….That guy in the truck that was driving well below the speed limit in the center of a two lane, one way street made me wish I was a law enforcement officer. After the tazing and then testing him for DUII followed by a dousing with pepper spray, I would handcuff him to the rear bumper of my squad car and fake a 911 call that would then dispatch me on a bogus high-speed chase.

Child Rearing Advice

So if your young kids ask why you bury their dead pets and relatives just tell them, “Why, little Timmy/Tammy, I’m planting them in order to grow you a new one.”